The GILF, until rather recently in our history as a species, was a rare creature. Hard as it is to believe now, in as little as 50 years ago, finding a grandmother of any kind attractive would have been seen as bizarre at best and was actually punishable by death in most states. Now, however, as modern healthy living, beauty products, and surgical technology have caught up to the ravages of aging, we find ourselves living in a veritable Gold Age of GILFs. And by using this very same cutting edge science, we have been able to put together the definitive list of the top 10 GILFs out there right now.
10. Joan Rivers
Joan Rivers is 79 years old, and like Darth Vader before her, is more machine now than man, twisted and evil. There are undoubtedly hotter GILFs out there. Indeed, that’s why we rank her here at #10. But keep this in mind; by getting with her, you are also getting with HISTORY. Joan Rivers has been comedy royalty since the 1970s! Who knows what legendary comedians and celebrities she got down with in those 40 years? You’ll be plowing in the footsteps of gods. And let’s be honest here. At this point in time, pretty much everything is on the table. And I do mean everything. I guarantee she knows some moves from the 40s that have been lost to history that will blow your mind. Just take it easy with her, please. It wouldn’t do to be known as the guy who banged Joan Rivers to death, now would it?
9. Whoopi Goldberg
I already know what you’re saying. “The Whoopster? Really???” But hear me out. First of all, part of the appeal of the GILF is the sense of accomplishment you feel connected to when you ever so delicately rock their world. And Whoopi is the only certified EGOT earner on this list. Under federal law (trust us), sticking it to her counts as EGOTing by proxy. And those having a proxy EGOT from Whoopi are on an elite list, numbering basically you and Ted Danson. Not too shabby if you ask us. Also, those dreads are pretty hot, am I right? Eh?
8. Kris Jenner
Yep, thanks to Kourtney, she’s a grandma. (All our GILFs are verifiable grandmas. Science.) And even though it’s not exactly all factory issued parts anymore, we tend to count that as a bonus when it comes to models more than 50 years old. Plus, it’s got to be said, she does still look pretty good. Good in that plastic surgery sorta way, but still good. She does seem to be something of an awful person, but on the other hand she might be a good gateway to one of her daughters, or even your own reality TV show. Lots of opportunity here.
7. Martha Stewart
Easily the richest GILF on this list, Martha Stewart probably just made a million dollars in the time it took you to read this far. Which is basically the point here. Do right by her and she’s going to do right by you. Martha also probably provides the most fringe benefits as well. Ever wonder what a swan stuffed with another swan tastes like? Done. Ever wanted to eat a life sized Belgian chocolate statue of George Washington? She made one for President’s Day. Do you want a picture of yourself riding tiger and fighting a skeleton? She just made one out of macramé. And even at 71, I think she’s still bringing the heat if you know what I mean.
6. Sally Field
Sally Field still looks pretty good at 66, which is fine and all. But even at her Bandit-loving prime, she wasn’t exactly the hottest star on the big screen. Pretty, to be sure. Again, she’s also aged well. But here is why she rounds out the top of the bottom half: she’s probably insane in one very specific but potentially awesome way. She might really believe (at times) that she’s the former first lady of the 16th president. This brings up a very intriguing idea: Sex with GILFy Sally Fields in period costume while she actually thinks that she is Mary Todd Lincoln. Frankly, this should be higher, especially if you can find a decent Abe costume.
5. Suzanne Somers
I was a 90s kid. And any kid from the 90s will tell you that TGIF was the best programming ever put on TV. And so, through the wonders of Step by Step, I met the glorious Suzanne Somers. Little did I know that she had a proud history of being sexy on TV that stretched back through Thighmaster infomercials and all the way to Three’s Company. Having lusted after 90s Suzanne Somers, you can imagine what my reaction was once I discovered her back catalogue. She’s 66 now, and still looks great. If this weren’t a completely scientific list, I would put her higher out of personal preference, but I’m too damned professional for that.
4. Jane Seymour
I was only vaguely aware of Jane Seymour as an actress when I was growing up. Looking at her IMDB page, I can see why. I don’t think I was in her target demographic, to say the least. She was always only of those “famous” people that I knew of but probably didn’t really know anything about. If I recognized her at all, it was as Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. So I was not prepared for how crazy sexy she was in Wedding Crashers, to put it mildly. Was I the only one who would have ditched going after the daughter to hook up with the drunk and slutty mom in a closet somewhere? Big-time plot hole there, Hollywood.
3. Sarah Palin
It’s not every day that that a vice presidential candidate gets honored with a porn series based on what might happen if she orders pizza she can’t pay for, all while running for office, but when that candidate is Sarah Palin, it begins to make sense. In 2008, she exploded onto the national stage, and into our hearts. A sitting Alaskan governor that talked weird, shot animals from helicopters, was a former beauty pageant contestant, AND might have once hooked up with Glen Rice? We were sold right away. And then young Bristol Palin made her a grandma. It was like the perfect GILF storm. Sadly, her star doesn’t seem to burn quite as brightly as it did so recently ago, and we must relegate her out of the top two positions.
2. Melania Trump/Sofia Vergara
This could be a controversial choice in the eyes of a lot of readers. Melania Trump, current wife of the Donald, is merely a step-GILF at age 39, and Sofia Vergara has an even less tenuous claim by playing the role of GILF Gloria Prichett on Modern Family. To those that grouse, I say this; that’s why they are sharing this spot! Remember, this is all based on some rather complicated science. But by combining them together (along with the fact that they are by far the hottest two GILFs on this list), we were able to tabulate that they belong at #2 on our rankings. Just look up a video of Vergara and watch it with the sound off (trust us). We’ll wait.
Are you back? You’re welcome.
1. Susan Lucci
Quite simply, there should be little argument here. She just has that timeless look. At 65, she could pass for 20 years younger, even after the stress of losing 18 Emmy nominations before her first win. Of course, those were daytime Emmys, but still. On top of that, she was named one of the 10 Most Fascinating People by Barbara Walters (GILF honorable mention) and arguably looks better than ever. I don’t care if she had some help there or not. I mean, did you see her on Dancing with the Stars a few years ago? She can still shake what a mother has given her. For being a straight up all time sexy GILF, we award our top spot to the very deserving Grandma Susan Lucci. Susan, on behalf of science, we salute you.
Ed Michelson is a humor writer for Crazy Dog T-Shirts. For funny t-shirts for any occasion, check our their selection now.